random fan time
by pixies.rock.hard
Summary: Is dat Jacob Black in a trial 4 existing? Wat da hell is Artemis Fowl doing w/ Jessica Stanley? OMG, why is Rob Pattinson flirting with Jane from da volturi? Enter da world of fandom, where impossiblility is da limit. Are you ready to ROCK! a PRH original
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I am shoving all the blame to this poorly written vampire novel to the totally selfish author which name I never use. I wish I could give her the words and keep the plot. Too bad everything I want only happens in this fanfiction.

A/N: The following content is not suitable for very wolf-ish and team Jacob audiences. Vampire Guidance is recomended. (PG Edward) All characters are in the state after Breaking Dawn

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_Here starts the chronicles of RANDOM FAN TIME_

**Edward**: Where are we, love?

**Bella:** I don't have the faintest idea darling.

_then the undead couple faded and reappeared in a big room with no doors. meanwhile.._

**Jacob:** Where the hell are we?

**Aro (Volturi): **I do not know, mongrel. But I do feel like eating marshmallows dipped in blood

_disintegrates...._

**Me**: Welcome, guests, werewolves and vampires. Welcome to the wonderful world of over priced gasoline and over reacting authors on leakages on the internet. For those who are curious, here are the answers to all of your questions. You are inside a castle made of chocolate. This castle is on top of a cloud high enough that not even Emmett could jump it. We are all playing a game where in I am the games master. The one who shall win can get out of this freak house.

**Alice**: I did not foresee this.

**Jacob**: Crap!

**Me:** Let me explaing the rules. All special vampire powers will be ineffective like mind reading and future seeing, however every vampire still posseses their normal abbilities, like strenght and speed. There would be no change for werewolves except no imprinting in my kingdom. All humans, yes you Mike, will stay, sleep and live in a room later you will be escorted to, as for the vampires and werewolves will have their own room. The freakish half-breeds, ahem Renesmee, will have a solo room of their own.

_Crownd glares at Nessie. Nessie jumps for joy_

**Me**: you will call per chalenge. And you must do exactly everything I command you to. No extra curriculars, if you know what I mean, in the night, yes I'm talking about you Edward and Bella, remember you would be sharing rooms with your species, privacy is needed for what you have in mind. You would each be handed a map of the castle and a schedule for the day. You would be summoned by me, and you are to simply teleport. And oh yeah, all your special vampire powers are all transfered to me. Yes Edward I'm reading your freakishly hot mind. You may leave except for Jacob Black.

_crowd disintegrates. Jake stays. Meanwhile..._

**Artemis Fowl**: Over here humans. This way. I am your prefect. And your house is hufflepuffle. I will lead you the way to your house. Get your maps as you pass the door table that's shaped like the Sorting Hat filled with Fork High flaglets

_meanwhile..._

**Ron Weasly:** Welcome werewolves. I hope Lupin is not here, I still owe him a sickle for the bet we made if he survives the last battle or not. Anyhoo, this would be your room. Unlimited supply of eggs are by the refrigerator made of spider legs, I'd rather not check it. if you see coffins, that's where your suppose to sleep on. If you open the coffin, you will find your maps. Im Ron by the way, Ron Weasly. Please don't make fun of my accent Paul. I am your prefect and I can make you suffer by telling Headmistress Pixies Rock Hard. Good night, your on house griffinwolf.

_meanwhile...._

**Robert Pattinson:** Welcome, vampires. Hello Edward. This is the Vampire dormitories, or as my master would call it, the ravenfang dormitories. Maps would be found on top of my script for the New Moon movie and human blood can be found third portal to the left. Animals for the vegetarians are on the Televesion room. I'm your prefect. Have a good sleep.

_emmett laughs out loud. meanwhile..._

**me:** well, well, well. If it isn't Jacob Black. The great Alpha of his pack. I'm sending you to stand trial for crimes against my wanting!

_room turns into a courtroom. Jacob stares._

**me:** The accused: Jacob Black. Charges: imprinting on cutey Renesmee and naming her after a lock ness monster. Also, forcing Bella to kiss you and even talk to you during New Moon. Does the accused deny?

**Jacob:** But-!

**me:** No BUTS!

**Jacob: **You asked if I deny!

**me:** Yes, I did. Do you deny?

**Jacob**: Yes I do! Dammit what kind of Judge/Jury/Lawyer are you? It's is not my fault it's all Stephenie Meyer's fault.

**me**: accused calls Stephenie Meyer as witness.

_stephenie pops into a seat for questioning_

**Jacob:** what-! No-! How..?

**Stephenie Meyer**: No I told you I want Muse for my Midnight Sun announcement. I want them I want them I want them! If you don't get them I will make sure you will be burried alive, do you understand? Elizabeth Eulberg, what kind of publiscist are you? You're so- huh where am I?

**me:** Stephenie Meyer, have you created Jacob Black and put him inside your damned saga?

**Steph: **Yes, what the hell is this? Is this an interview cause you know I-

**me**: order! order in the court!

_stamps out the hammer thingy_

**me:** The Jury says, Stephenie Meyer, guilty of charge. Jacob Black, guilty of charge. Sentece: a night inside the banana room. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

**Jacob**: What? I thought Stephenie was-

_Jacob and Stephenie disintegrates into banana room where bananas are alive and attack people._

**me:** (sings) Dufenshmirtz Evil Incoporated!

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stuffed Edward plushies for reviewers


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own anything

A/N: The following content is not suitable for very wolf-ish and team Jacob audiences. Vampire Guidance is recomended. (PG Edward) All characters are in the state after Breaking Dawn

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chronicles of the clouds

**Edward**: Its been three days only hon. Don't be greedy.

_bella flashes angry look at her husbund._

**Alice:** Who cares? This place has Wardrobe heaven!

_all clothes in the closet disappears the minute she mentioned it._

**Alice**: Damn, I so did not foresee that

**Everyone**: LOLZ

_Robert Pattinson appears in the ravenfang common room._

**Robert Pattinson**: Everyone, the master has summon all for the first challenge.

_everyone disintegrates._

**Robert Pattinson:** Nessie, dear. It's time for the first challenge.

**Renesmee**: Ok, Mr. Pattinson. I'll follow

_Robert leaves_

**Renesmee**: Robert Pattinson is so dreamy o_0..weird, he looks like my dad XD

nessie teleports

**Quil:** Paul,

**Paul:** Yes?

_quil punches Paul for no reason. Every shapeshifter disintegrates_

**Jessica**: Mike,

**Mike**: Yes Jess?

**Jessica:** Bella and Edward tried it...maybe we could...

_humans disintegrates_

**me:** Welcome, all. Are you ready for the first challenge?

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well, the answer, my dear readers, is your reviews. If I dont get at least 3 reviews I would never update


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